Chris Haley is... THE ENTHUSIAST!

Worst: This Is Why Everybody Hates John Cena

John Cena didn’t show up on Raw last week. Last night, he opened the show with one of the worst, least constructive promos you could imagine, acting like he’d been gone for 7 years and proving that if you don’t let John talk on every show in a row, his shitty ideas get dammed up, and eventually that dam explodes, and the raging waters of his 90s references and asinine observations destroy whatever villages were built in the valley of pro wrestling.

Daniel Bryan and Kane have been a crucial, entertaining part of the show over the last month. John Cena apparently watched them from home for the first time ever last week and thought the last thing they needed to get truly over was GOAT BOY JOKES. Did WWE fire Brian Gerwitz and hire Jim Breuer? Should I expect Damien Sandow to start cutting promos about how pot is awesome? Last week, Antonio Cesaro had a star-making moment when he shoot deadlifted 400-pound Brodus Clay and JUMPED with him to hit his finish on a live Raw and get a decisive win in under a minute. John Cena had never seen or heard of Antonio Cesaro before last Monday, but now he’s fixated on his HUGE NIPPLES~, because Antonio Cesaro really needed HEY FRENCHIE NICE NIPPLES signs on Raw to help sustain his career. John Cena took a look at the stars of tomorrow and said YOU’RE UGLY, YOU’RE UGLY, YOU’RE UGLY. Thank goodness you are hairless, featureless and bright white so nobody could make fun of how you look, John.

I don’t want to make this assumption, but did the classically-homophobic, gender-biased John Cena get forced into wearing a bunch of pink for breast cancer awareness and decide he should work it by acting like a hateful little girl? Because if you have a problem with Antonio Cesaro’s nipple aesthetics, that is your problem, dude.

Not to mention his weird, pointless AJ baiting. What was that about? I know Cena’s been going through a divorce and has lost his goddamn mind, so I don’t expect him to have a mature point of view about life and his co-workers, but the least he could do is not whip out his entitled fratboy come-ons on my wrestling program.